Tag Archives: Criticism

I’m Sorry, Who Are You Again? (An Identity Crisis /Reintroduction in Three Parts) Cont.

30 Mar

Part 2 – What Rock Have I Been Hiding Under? That Mossy Green One, If You Must Know.

So moving on from the re-introduction to where I have been.

Last Spring, I graduated! Then I got accepted into two graduate programs here in my state (WooHoo!) – I entered the PhD program at WSU in downtown Detroit, MI. I started last fall, and spent much of September and October reading things like Communicating Vessels by André Breton, Ethics: An Essay on the Understanding of Evil, by Alain Badiou, and Storm of Steel by Ernst Jünger.  I want to say that I really enjoyed it. I want to say that I felt intellectually challenged, and that I was exposed to wonderful new ideas and viewpoints. I want to say that I felt exhilarated. But mostly, I felt sick. Absolutely, utterly sick. Physically ill. Nauseous.

No, not because of the program (and I will definitely come back to the experience of being a graduate student in future posts). The illness was real, and it had nothing to do with school, and EVERYTHING to do with being pregnant. My husband and I found out in July that we were expecting, and my first trimester was just a blur of vomit.

Funny(ish) Story: I was working 50+ hours a week at a fancy pants Italian Bistro. I loved the people there, I loved the money, and had I not been almost paralyzed with morning sickness, I would have loved the food. But I was so emotional and sick those first few months, this is what happened: I cried at least once a shift. I threw up at least twice a shift. I passed out at a table one (BUSY) Friday night. One particularly average afternoon, a tiny old woman, sitting in a booster seat so she could reach the table, made my cry so hard I sobbed onto the shoulder of the stoic and fastidious General Manager. Why? Because there was the possibility that I would forget to bring her a spoon with the coffee that she just ordered. Let me unpack that one for y’all a bit: she ordered coffee, but didn’t want it until after her lunch – the lunch that she still hadn’t decided upon. I had not forgotten said spoon, I hadn’t even brought the coffee yet. But there was the possibility of forgetting the spoon, and that possibility (and her simply mentioning this possibility), was enough to BREAK me…marvel at the sanity. Go on, I dare ya.

Once it got to the point that I couldn’t even walk through the kitchen without vomiting into a trash can, I knew I had to leave that job. So I did, and I spent the rest of the summer lying on the sofa in a haze of nausea. I lost almost 30 pounds that summer, living on goldfish crackers and Orange flavored Vitamin Water. So imagine my delight when grad school started in September (sarcasm).

And by the way, the rest of the pregnancy has been AWESOME. I have never enjoyed anything so much in my life. I woke up one day in October and just felt better. By the end of that week, not only did I feel better, I felt better than normal – I felt GREAT. Hormones were back to normal (well, at least I think so, but I should probably defer to my husband on that one. What IS normal, anyway?) No nausea, and I could EAT. Oh, wonderful, delicious food!

I am now on a leave of absence from Grad School so that I can have this baby (which, by the way, was due last week!). I will be going back in the fall, so while it is currently on the back burner, it is not off the stove. My reading material since last fall has been pregnancy guides. And you know, I would like to take this opportunity to recommend The Mayo Clinic’s Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy. That What to Expect When You Are Expecting? Yeah, stay away from that book – I heard that it is really adept at instilling fear in an expectant mom (and I heard right. All the scary stuff I have been hearing was getting filtered down from that paperweight.) The Mayo Clinic Guide was the only book I allowed myself to have, and it has been wonderful. Written as more of an encyclopedia, it outlines each week, each month, and has sections for the big picture stuff, like choosing to circumcise or which genetic tests to do. I found it to be very unbiased and made room for all choices – whether it is a natural or medicated birth, breast or bottle, cry-it-out or co-sleeping, etc. etc.

(Huh, so there was a book tie-in with this long overdue update after all! )

And that pretty much brings me to the third and final part of the identity crisis:

Part 3 – The Future. Or, “Where Do We Go, From Here?

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